Just A Thought:

Always remember to forget the troubles that passed away, but never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.

Just A Parable:

A ball team went forth to play a game of baseball. Just as the umpire was saying, "Batter up," the catcher of the home team arrived and took his place. The center fielder didn't show up at all, but later sent his regrets. The third basemen likewise failed to come to the game, having been up late the night before. The shortstop was present, but left his glove at home. Two of the substitute fielders were away on a little weekend trip, but were there in spirit.

Verily, when the pitcher went into the box he looked around for his teammates, and lo, his heart was heavy, for their places were empty. The game was announced , the visitors were in the stands and there was nothing to do but pitch the ball and hope for the best. But he had to serve as a pitcher, first and third baseman, and cover short and center field.

When the absent members of the defeated team heard that their team had lost, a decision was made to get a new pitcher.

Just A Prayer:

The Lord is my banker I shall not want. He maketh me to lay down my dollars to the needy. He leadeth me to give my time, talent and money. He restoreth my failing generosity. He leadeth me in the path of capital fund raisers for His name sake.

Ye, though I give freely to the Unquenchable Fire, I will fear no loss; for thou art my adviser. Thy promise of future returns comfort me. Thou preparest a safer place for my treasure than today's insured institutions can provide.• Thou still pleadetst before me the case of the hungry. My purse seemeth empty. Surely, wealth shall evade me all the days of this life. But afterward, I will draw on the bank of the Lord forever. Amen.

—Alex Vergara, Praying & Playing in Paradise

ANALOGIES AND METAPHORS

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. -

• Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

• The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

• Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

—Received from Pastor Tim.

CAT-NAPPED?

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast

—Received from Clean Laffs.

BLESSED BE

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

—Received from Mikey's Funnies.